#11. me and my mountain
reflecting on almost two years with my baby, who's given me so much
hellooo second wind fam! i’ve already written to you this week about sunday’s upcoming show (weee!!), but i’m back from my travels and am tryna get back on my bs aka regular writing practice! so please bear with me as i attempt to oil this rusty and squeaky gear of mine. it might not be perfect, but that’s ok < 3 #executionmindset #practicemakesmorepractice #lol. i’m celebrating almost two years with my sweet mountain with some reflections on how important she’s been to my life. i love her and i know many of you do, too. it gets kinda deep in here (TW: i talk about my mom’s alzheimer’s), thanks for the space to share. as always, thoughts/feedback/etc are welcome.
w love and gratitudeeee,
nazuk
this past sunday morning, mountain and i went on our usual long walk. i got myself layered up, put her little sweater on her, too, and we hit the pavement. we normally do one big loop in the neighborhood that takes around 45 mins to an hour to complete, with timing depending on a few factors - weather, how sniffy mounty is feeling, bpm of the music i’m listening to, if we’re walking with another person, etc. this particular sunday morning there was a welcome fall/winter-cusp chill in the air, and the sky was a calming shade of light grey, one that signaled you had permission to lean into the sunday-ness for a few more hours, before the almost-monday-ness crept up.
the walk itself was refreshing and pleasantly uneventful, and that gave me time to think about how glad i felt to be back home and with my cute ass dog child once again! this year, after a trying but rewarding first one together, we’ve been able to fall into a groove. we move around the apartment together but also independently, much like i imagine an old couple that doesn’t have to explain much to one another, would. we found a park we love and go to regularly. in the summer she’s my farmer’s market and gelato companion. she’s got neighbor pup pals she loves to hang and walk with. she’s become even more comfortable with folks being over, and it makes me emotional to see her cuddling with friends and loved ones, resting her little head on their legs or laps. she’s still my road dogggg, making the trips to va and maryland to see my family and her doggie cousins. and she still spends many hours of her lil doggie life watching me dance around my apartment or shuffle around doing god knows what. my lil furry daughter sidekick fr, we worked hard to get here < 3
but back to the walk… towards the tail end of it we ran into some familiar neighbor pups and their parents. while the dogs linked up, the humans chatted about mounty’s fuchsia fleece sweater, which then led to a longer walk and convo with one of my older neighbors and her dog, both of whom i hadn’t seen in forever. as our dogs scurried ahead of us on their leashes, each doing their own thing but enjoying the other’s company, me and my neighbor had a catch up that spanned a few blocks and ended up touching on a lot of real life, beyond the dogs - how we both live with and work through forms of chronic pain day to day, that we share an experience in having a mother with dementia, what it takes to build a life in a new city.
on that light grey sunday morning, when the “scaries” were just beginning to enter “frightening” territory for me (i had just returned from several weeks of travel and reality was settling back in…), a conversation that might have felt a bit heavier on a different day actually ended up being something really comforting and beautiful. it reminded me how thankful i am for these kinds of unplanned instances of real human connection and conversation in the world, especially cross-generationally, and how much we can benefit from the knowledge (however cliché) that we’re not alone. this human experience is indeed shared.
but that interaction, and all the ones that have happened before with this neighbor and her pup, they wouldn’t have happened without me having been outside walking mountain. when i was lucky enough to bring her into my life two years ago, i was in the throes of so many difficult moments all at once. i was the sentient central area of a venn diagram with wayyy too many overlapping circles of pain and grief, which caused me to become a deep homebody and non-responder. i retreated. at some of the toughest times, i felt like a ghost of this city i had lived in and loved so hard and deeply, and of my life from “before”.
so, i thought about getting a dog. i’d always wanted one, and maybe it could keep me company all that time at home on the couch watching real housewives. and as my mom was actively losing her communication skills due to her advancing alzheimer’s, i was also looking for a way to connect to her and bring her comfort without her having to speak, maybe this could be it! maybe the dog could also bring movement and structure back to my days so i could start getting my life together again. hmm. i hoped that last bit would start with dog walks.
oh, those walks! they began as soon as she arrived, of course. on january 5th, 2024! we were going outside! 2-3 times a day! to walk! (and pee and poop)! woah. as it got warmer, AND because my dog was so fuckin cute, we had to stop 3-4 times during each of those 2-3 walks and…… gasp….. make small talk with people….? i hadn’t considered this. i recently described to someone that on some of those early walks it felt like i was wiping the cobwebs off my mouth and vocal chords, and oiling my jaw joints to eke out a few words and an occasional half smile. it felt so other and i stumbled over my words so much at first, but the more i did it the more natural it became, again. spring came and we walked and walked and walked together, all around bed-stuy. we started making friends with new neighbors, with other dogs and dog parents. i learned how to socialize again, she got used to walking in the big city. we started getting some pep in our steps : )
when mountain arrived to new york she was sick af and skin and bones - i learned to patiently, over months and many vet bills and liquid poop-induced panics, nurse a creature i’d never seen in a healthy state, to health. my breakup + apartment changes coupled with mountain’s new-found energy (healthy!) + having found her “voice” resulted in many consecutive weeks of overwhelming teen dog tantrums that usually ended with me in tears - she taught me to slowly read her, read the signs, understand what she was saying she needed without words, and to meet and anticipate her needs.
coincidentally, i was going through this exact thing with my mom at the same time - her alzheimer’s was in a stage where she’d go into confused rages. i learned that that behavior was often a symptom of something else that was bothering her, and once we’d find out what it was and address/resolve it, everything would calm down. what i was learning about how to interact with and support my mom was actually helping me understand how to interact with and support mountain, and vice versa. that whole parallel dynamic was a lot for me to take in. it was ever present. those months were probably the hardest of my life, honestly they were pretty fucked up if i’m being honest. but this unexpected parallel was also beautiful and comforting in its own way, just like that conversation with my neighbor on sunday. i slowly (somehow) emerged from that time fundamentally changed. with an even softer lens on life and humans, and all beings, really. i still don’t really know how exactly to explain it. maybe the words for this will come later.
they love each other, btw, my mom and mounty. my mom’s face lights up when she sees mountain leap through the front door of their house when i visit, her big, teethy smile beaming as she comes down the hall with her arms outstretched. or when she sees the dog on my dad’s facetimes. for a while when she could still pay enough attention on a call, she was already starting to forget my name, but would very confidently look at the phone and ask “vo kahan hai?” where is [the dog]?
mom can throw a toy and mountain will fetch it. when mom is ready to get in bed mountain is there to jump up with her and make her laugh, then settle down and lay next to her for a bit. mom can say whatever it is that she’s able to say in whatever languages and words that are able to come out that day, and mountain will still listen and not ask questions or correct her, and will be there to be pet and cuddled and kissed. mountain has given me so much in these two years but what she has given my mom and my family, i could have never imagined. she is our happy little flickering flame in this dark time. she brings joy and comfort and relief and hope to every situation she’s in with us. i owe her everything.
but my dog love, where did it start? with bugatti, aka bugs, rip <3 my cousin’s gorgeous brindle greyhound, the first dog in our family. i met him when i was in elementary school. he was a docile, lazy, loving, strong, loyal, retired race dog. he understood english, hindi, and punjabi. i have fond memories of him at my cousin’s house, his flat body lounging so hard on her carpet that he could be mistaken for a rug. sometimes i’d lay with him, my cheek resting on his ribs while i stared at his face, into his eyes. i’d mess with his teeth and paws intermittently, to no visible reaction from him - he’s one of one, the best dog ever, probably, i used to think. when you saw him run at full speed, the sheer sight of it was so powerful, so moving, you’d shed a tear. on car rides, he had the whole trunk of my cousin’s 4runner to himself, his bed taking up the entire area, and he’d leap up from the asphalt and lay down in his bed so elegantly it felt like one poetic brushstroke of a movement. i don’t have an early aughts 4runner (goals, still….), but every time mounty jumps so very athletically into the back seat of my lil suv, i think of my guy, bugs.
bugs was my first dog love. but mountain, she’s the dog love of my life.